Well.. Sort of... You know...

So, I am getting really tired of being at home with nothing to do except cleaning, doing the dishes and laundry... I need a job! I need someone to call me and say: Hi, we need you a production now.
But not to call me the day before they start shooting....

I could try to write on my scripts, but no... I just don't have the vision for it. And the patience... I don't really know what I need at the moment... Maybe just take a trip around the world and just explore what ever comes in my way... :) But then I need money to do that... :/

Maybe I just need to call every production company in Sweden and let them know I do exist! Or maybe I just need to decide what to do and how to do it...

Tonight I know what I am going to do. I will look at the semifinal 2 of Eurovision Song Contest. And I do hope that Norway will make it all the way.

I admitt, I was wrong!

Okay, I was wrong! Malena did make it to the final. And her performance was better this time then in the semifinal. I just wished she had got rid of the masks they are wearing by the end of the song....
But I am glad we made it. Now we can atleast hope to get at better placement than last year...

We had some friends over at dinner last day. Kind of fun, but when they talked through almost every song, I just got a little disturbed... I just lost concentration and got some what anoyed about their talking... And they talked really loud to. Like they wanted to raise their vocie over the volume on the tv....

Well, no it's just to get prepared for thursdays Semi-final. Go Norway! :)

Tonight's the night!

Well, tonight it is the first semifinal of the Eurovision Song Contest, and Sweden is there to get to the final on saturday... Malena with "La Voix".

I just have to say that I don't belive that she will make it. I really didn't like the song, and the appearence.
She IS a great singer. No doubt about that. But I just felt that is the wrong song for this competition!!!! I wish that Alcazar would have made it, but no.

So, sorry Malena, we won't even get to the final this year, but I hope I'm wrong!

And over all, I hope, wish and beg for Alexander Rubak, Norway, to win! The song is really good, it is powerfull, it's a violin! And he is absolutely goergous!!!!! Wow! That is a cute gay... sorry guy! And I just wish he was gay... :P That voice, that face, those eyes!!!!

I guess my boyfriend gets a little jelaous of him, since he has got all the attention when he is on the tv!

Go Norway!!!!!

The part of being sick...

Now I just have one more day of my medication. One more day of part 1. And I am so looking forward to it!
The last week hasn't been fun at all eating this pills, that just had made me felling even worse. I even went to the hospital last friday just because I threw up.
And for what reason... The side-effects of the pills. Nothing else.

Waht I have? It's called Amebas. Yep. Fun, isn't it?! Amebas in my bowlsystem.

I just really hate being sick. I just hate the fact that it always happens when I don't need it. Okay okay, I know that there are a lot of people having it much more worse then I do, but when I get sick I get cranky.

I just wish that there could be an end of everything... Wouldn't that be just great?! An end to all diseases and all that is not fair!

And I just wish that there was an end to my behaviour..... I am good at hurting people without knowing it... Or maybe I do know, but I just don't know how to stop myself...

Well, getting to cranky again....

Spring-time!

Well, the spring finally came! The sun has shined and the warm winds has made my days! :)

As usual I have been working a lot. Both with film and other things. It felt so good when I got the job on my first commercial. I knew that I would get money to survive.
And it was really fun! For the first time ever we can make political commercials in Sweden. So I were on a commercial for Kristdemokraterna.

Not that I belive in that party, but I meen. A job is a job. A 10 hour long day outside in the sun. Fresh air, a life worth living, and I got sunburned.... Yep, my face and neck turned red. And it hurts like hell! But who cares! :) I lived the life I love to live. The life of production!

And I got one year older.... Last thursday was my birthday. Since I didn't celebrate my birthday last year, I thought it was time for it now. So I went out on the evening with some friends to a place in Gamla Stan, Stockholm, called Sjätte Tunnan.
It is a tavern in medeival style, and did we have fun!?! A lot of friends showed up and it made me really happy. We just drank some beer and meed, eate some food and just had fun until 3 a.m. in the morning.

Now it's back to normal. Trying to get some more work at filmproductions to enjoy my life! :)

Long time...

I know it's been a long time since I was here... But I have been on vaccation! :) And some work too.

During the eastern I went to Gotland. My beautiful island. My place of birth! And did I have a good time or not! The weather was perfect and it was realxing and quiet.

I was there with my friends to help them with their wedding. They want to get married on Gotland next year, so we took a trip around the island to find a church, a place for the dinner and party and a place to take the photos at. We found the place to have the dinner/party at! :) It was so great.

Then, when they left, I decided to stay for a little longer, just to meet my friends and relatives. And to have some time of my own. The only problem was on monday, when I was supposed to go home.

I sat by my computer and decided to look at the homepage for the ferries to see if the run normal. Then I saw that there was no ferry that left the time I had booked... I just felt how my stomach twisted... Ran to look at the ticket, and of course! I had booked the wrong day.... I was supposed to leave on the sunday..... And this is the worst travelling weekends of the whole year!

Called the travelagency to see if I could solve this somehow... I had to by a new ticket for 600:-, and at the same time get a hold of a car so I could get hom in the middle of the night!

I just love my friends! The helped me out. :)

So I got home a 1.30 a.m. and got up a 5 a.m. to drive back to Stockholm and leave the car and then go to work....

I just couldn't realize I had booked the wrong day! Because I told all my friends that I was going back home on monday. Not sunday... Well... Shit happens. Now I know how important it is to both think and look twice! :P

Back in Stockholm I have been working on a feature film, called Psalm 21. It is a suspensed thriller that will have premier later this year!

We had some pick up days now. So we did a fire stunt, and then last day we got in a car and drove 60 swedish miles up north in the country and did some helicopter-scenes! :) And to be in a car with three other people that as humor as I don't know what... That was an experince! A really fun experience. It was a long time since I laguhed so hard!

After the helicopter-scenes we had to drive back to Stockholm. So after all, I was in the car for 120 miles during that day....

So after all, I have been busy. I will write more soon. I promise you! :) And tell you more about the filmshooting, and about what's going on in my life. But right now, I am happy! :)

Hm...

Wow! From having 15 degrees celcius, sunny and warm... The weather has now changed to cold and grey... I am just so happy! No wonder I got my cold.

My boyfriend as complained three nights in a row now that I have been snoring... So bad he couldn't sleep. Last night it was a little better, but still. The look in his eyes were something like: "If you don't chop that noose of, I will!"

Good for him I will be gone now for a couple of days. :) Beacuse: Gotland, here I come!!!! :) It's been too long now. Almost 2 months. And I hope the my time there will be good. It use to be.

Going to meet some friends. Help my best friend to find a church for his wedding next year. Just sit at a local pub having a beer. Well, just enjoying life! :)

I guess I just will take some time to think things over as well. Where I want to go with my life. Probably take a walk along the city wall, and then up in the forest just looking at the sea and feel free! That is life quality for me! :)

See ya later!

Lucky...!

Well, then I got mu results back from last weeks test. And I am fine. The thing I knew I had they just confirmed it. So after one week of medication I will be fine.

And there was one more thing. I have something wrong with my stomach, so now they will look it up once and for all.

I am pleased! :) There could have been so much more worse. So I am happy!

The only thing now is that I've got a cold. And it feels like a stubborn one. My head aches and I am feeling dizzy. But it could be that all the tentions I had just let go of me, and then I have to pay the price when my body says stop!

I am really getting better to listen to my body. :) Sometimes...

Tomorrow I will go to Gotland. The place of my heart! The place where I was born and the place where I always want to live. :) The little island in the Baltic Sea. Also known as the Pearl of the Baltic Sea. I really love that place.

3 hours with a ferry and then you are at a totaly new place! And I am going to meet my YF. My dear little friend. I have missed him so much.

So today will be a day to pack all my stuff and then just have a relaxing eastern at my very good friends! :)

United States of America!

Well, last day I was busy. Trying to get my self to start editing the pilot-shooting for a feature. But no, I got stuck chatting to old friends and new friends. :) Sometimes I just have to realize I am addicted to the Internet. :P

I also applied for the Green Card lottery! =) That's something I have wanted to do for a long time. Why? Beacues I really want to live and work in USA. I want to move to the promised land and hope I can find luck! :)

I know it sounds naive, but I do belive that as a film maker I would have it so much easier to work in USA instead of here in Sweden. Here there is now money for film makers, unless you are a super professional producer who has been making movies your whole life.

But I really feel that my kind of film making is better suited for the independent film making in USA.

Been there twice before. Only in Virginia and D.C. And I have a chrush on Maine, but probably will end up in a southern state... :) But I don't care, as long as I am happy!

Went to the gym last day again. Even if there is a spring holliday there was almost no one at the gym or in the swim hall.... That's wierd. Nothing to look at. :P

Today I will go to the hospital and get my test results. I am nervous... I really am. Today I will found out IF and WHAT I have if I am sick.... Please God, don't let it be serious...

The day after...

Well, I am not single, and I am not homeless.... Yet... I haven't told my boyfriend what I have been through and what I've done...
Last day we went for some shopping. And we sat in the car for about 1,5 hours without saying a word to eachother. I had my chance but I am just too afraid to open my mouth. I now I will hurt him either way...
So why can't I just talk to him? Tell him what I want to say. That I am not the guy for him.... It is always hard to talk to someone that you are so close too. Specially when it comes to private and personal stuff regarding us both.

I went to the doctor last day and got medicine for one of my misstakes. Just something I had to deal with! I am glad the it worked, since the doctor said it was a 50% chance it might just wouldn't work...

Use condoms!!!! No matter what! It helps!

Idiot!

How could I be so f*cking stupid!!!!!!???! I meen, I knew how important it is to protect your self.
And still.... I just fuck up everything!!!!!

I guess I soon will be single and probably homeless too.... My fault. Have to live with it....

Otherwise I had a dream about the medeival week on Gotland last nigth. Good I long for that week. A week filled with just pure fun and madness! A week when I can live just the way I want!
It's like 4 months left, then finally! :) I will just sit in my costumes, drinking beer and have so much fun with my friends! :) Too bad it's just for a week..... :P I wish there where more....

Well, I have to fix a few things, but I'll get back later and let you know what happens in my life.... *kisses*

Dreams 2...

Once again I had a weird dream. This time it had nothing to do with what I was thinking about when I went to bed....

I dreamed I were in the States and probably in California. There was this street filled with Porn Production companies!!! I meen, a whole street with studios and offices. And I was there with two friends, walking around. Curious about what happened there.
We walked around a little and then went in to a studio. It looked like a movie theatre except thar they had now build a little studioset with a bed and curtains, just below the screen.
After been looking in the studio we went out and found an office where I found a note with my name on.
Well, I guess there is a lot more people in the world that has the same name as me, but since it was my dream I got offended.... :P It said that I didn't have that much time left as a "hottie". Thank God for that!!!! :)
I went in to the office to talk with them. There were a man and a woman running the company. And the new swedish! Wow! I am impressed.
We talked and somehow they wanted to see me shirtless. So I pulled up my shirt, and I had this amazing sun tan! Never seen anything like that since I was 13 and enjoyed being in the sun.
Well, I woke up just before all the "bad" things started, and for that I am sooooo thankfull!

Last day was actually really boring!!! Okay, the sun was shining, but I were in a bad mood. I went to the gym. No hotties there.... Then back home and started to practice on my Poi. I am a newbie.
Then dinner and watch my favourite tv-show throug all times: Criminal Minds!
And this episode were really good. And a cute boy too.

Today I will do some more editing, now that I finally have figured it all out! May I will go out for a little walk. The sun is still shining! :)

Dreams...

This night has been sooooo wierd. I had this crazy dreams. One of them was a dream I had dreamed before. Or very simular to a dream I had before.

The first dream I were at a party and then I got this rashes all over my body. It itched like h*ll and just filled my arms and chest. Really scary. (I had those kind of rashes in real life once, allergy.) In my dream I just freaked out totally. Crying and screaming for help!
I wanted to call the ambulance and dialed 112 (the Swedish ER number) and just couldn't get trough to the operator. For over half an hour I just tried to call over and over again....
Then I met this guy who was parking his car and I saw he had ER clothes on him so I ran to him and asked for help. He said that he would help me, but all of a sudden we were at an orphanege for homeless kids... And there I decided to adopt a little baby boy called Casper.

That was just so wierd... Specially since it has been itching all over my body for a week now, with out any rashes. I have been panicing about my physical condition. And my boyfriend asked me just a few day ago when I will get the adoptionpaper, since he wants a kid.... And I just don't know... Don't know if I am ready for it... Ready for having a child... With him... Or just at all...

Well, today I will once again try to edit a little teaser for a feature, then I will go to the gym and just have a good work-out... Maybe spot something to look at too..... ;)

Morning has broken...

Wow! This was the first day this year I sat outside and had my breakfast! It's been too long since last time.

The sun just warming up everything, shined as bright as it only can when you feel that feeling of happiness. Of course I had to dress up a little, but still. I really needed that! Just sit and relax.

I have always wondered what life would do to me. Now I am in mood that I hope life will treat me kind, but I can't be sure.
Went to the doctors last day to take some tests just to see that everything is fine. But I am not sure. I can only hope that life will be kind to me.

Slept bad last night just thinking about what if somethings is really wrong.... What will I do? How will I tell everyone....?
But I am in a good mood. If something happens, I just have to deal with it then.

Today I will meet up with one director and one producer. Hopefully I will get the opportunity to shoot my first feature really soon! :) That would be so awsome!

Well, better get ready to leave... See ya!

Language...

I guess I have to write in English instead. The problem is that my English isn't the best.... But, who cares.

I have been thinking a lot. I always do, but recently I have been thinking more and more about who I am and what I want. Normal daily questions that just pops up in our minds.
I have no clue of who I am!!!

Well, I know I am a man, due to some physichal facts... And I know my age and where I live. But do I know who I am at a deeper level?
I meen, I have been gay or bisexual all my life, but is there anything more to it? Recently I have found out that I get turned on, emotionally by both sexes. But physical I might get turned on by guys, if I get turned on at all! It seems I have lost my sexual way of living....

And I know what I am working with, but is it really WHAT I want to work with? Do I really wanna do all the things I am doing right now? I really enjoy it, but what if there is more to find out?

I haven't been traveling around in the world that much. And I really wanna to! Wanna see more of Europe and Asia. Wanna explore Australia.

Well, I just guess I am having a bad day today... I really got to stop think that much....

Eftertänksamt...

Ibland så har jag liksom bara inte förstått varför allt händer. Alla val man gör i livet. Jag menar, jag hade i helgen ett val att leva upp till det som jag faktiskt lovat mig själv. Lik förbannat så sket jag i det. Varför? Var det på grund av att jag var influerad av alkohol? Eller kärlek? Eller nyfikenhet? Eller vara jag bara svag?

Jag tror att man måste skärpa till sig ibland och göra det som krävs för att leva upp till det man själv bestämt sig för.

Har jag nu bestämt mig för att inte ha sex eller någon intimrelation (läs hångel eller liknande) på ett par månader, för att jag känner att jag måste stoppa mig själv ett tag, så krävs det ju att jag kan leva upp till det också. Inte för någon annan, men för mig själv.

Trots detta så var helgen något av det roligaste jag varit med om på väldigt länge. Jag gick ut med mina vänner, inte bara en dag, utan två dagar på raken. Och det var så enormt kul!
På fredagen började allt med en jobb-öl på ett produktionsbolag och sen släppte jag loss som fan på Klubb Paradise vid Slussen. Hem relativt tidigt, typ 2.
Lördagen gick åt till att sitta på Torget i goda vänners lag och faktiskt bli inpspanad av två söta killar. Dock så är jag ju redan upptagen så... Men det var kul. Längesen det hände....

Nej, jag måste helt enkelt bestämma mig för vad jag vill och hur jag ska nå mitt mål....