Stressed!

I am getting more and more stressed, and today was one of the days that I thought that I just didn't want to leave my bed.
But I got up, took a walk in the beautiful sunlight and the just tried to rinse my head from everything.

I am so stressed about everything right now. My job, my film projects, my life, my being. And it sucks! Big time!!!!!

I am proud that I turned down one production that called me and asked if I wanted to be an extra. I know I can earn some money, but I just felt that I don't have time. I need to focus on my own projects and job.

And I am stressed about some of my work. Stressed that I will loose two of my youths I am working with due to that they are moving away and that we don't have that much contact any more. Stressed over not knowing what the summer or fall will bring.

One thing that really stresses me is my own film project: The Rain.
I just have a dream of making a film and just make something that I can stand for and that is good. And I do get a lot of help from everyone.
I mean, Film på Gotland (our local resource center) provides us with camera equipment, Filmgymnasiet Gotland provides me with facilities to film in. All my actors and crew a working for free and making the best of every day! And I am so blessed to have them around me.
What stresses my out is that I don't have enough money to make the film with. Money so we can build props and sets. Money so that I can buy food for my actors.
And also time... There is to little time. We are filming from time to time when every one is available, and that is a big puzzle to work with. It is hard to make a scheduel not knowing when people can film or not.

I am stressed out and sometimes I am starting to doubt on my self and my abilities...

I just want to life my life and do the thing that makes me happy. That's all!

To change an attitude!

Was preforming at a school this week, ford kids aged 6-10, together with a friend. We have our group called "Flamma & Fjolla" (The Flame & The Queer) and preforme with fire, dance and jokes. My character, The Queer, always wears a Pride-hat, a skirt and make-up, and for this year also a wig, since we started the whole show by dancing to Loreen's "Euphoria" (the best song ever in Eurovision Song Contest). While dressing up we worked a lot with the make-up to make The Queer look as good as possible without without making too much out if it. Because The Queer's philosphy is to be whom ever you are and dress up how ever you want to. Just as long as you are comfortable with your self and can stand up for what you are doing. He is kind of sissy acting, but not in a bad way. He just likes to have fun! And we never tells that he is gay, but the kids nows it anyway, I guess, since he is dancing and says he is from the land of fabulous, wearing lipstick, make-up and a cute turquoise dance-skirt. And in the beginning I was wearing this wig, that made me look pretty good by the way, and the funny thing was when we entered the school yard with all the kids running around and we were fully dressed and in make-up, the first question from almost all the kids were: Who is SHE?, pointing at me. And I didn't wear any fake boobs more special attributes then just make-up, the wig and the little skirt. All ready there we had reached the effect we wanted, to neutralize the gender and sexuality. Then, in the dance, The Queer does such a "bad" preformance that The Flame takes of his wig, and all of a sudden he puts on a pride-hat! Just to show that he is queer and that the colours stands for pride, happiness and fun! The kids just loved the show, as usual, and loves The Flame & The Queer. Not to mention the teachers at the school. Even some parents enjoyed what we were doing and none didn't mind that we have that theme on the show! For me and my friend, who both are a part of the HBTQ-society, it is important that we can learn the kids that there is nothing wring with being yourself, as long as you stand up for whom you are and that you don't preach about it. They need to build their own opinion, but we think that we are able to change their attitude a little just by being our self on stage, and show them that there is nothing wrong for a guy to wear make-up and/or a wig, if he wants to. We all have a responsebility towards our kids and youths to make sure that they belive in them self and teach them about rights and wrongs. And I know that not everybody agrees with me that teaching kids that homosexuality is right, is a good thing, because who knows what ideas they might get from that! They might become gay them self! Well, let them! What's the big deal? As long as they are happy and proud of whom they are, just as The Flame & The Queer! And as long as we are porud of them! The even asked when they will meet us again... :)