Revolting.

Every know and then we need to be revolting! No doubt about that. We need to step up in front of everyone and say: Let's go this way!

We also need to be revolting to our selves too. Like, you know that something is safe and secure, it has always been like that and most likely always will be like that, but then you have an opportunity to make some thing different, but then you need to step outside the box! You need to get unsafe. Loose the grip for a little while.
And maybe your mind says "No", your heart says "Yes" and then there is confusion.
You even talk to your friends and family, just to see what that would say and/or do, and they will divide in to you mind and heart.
Suddenly you just realize you want to follow your heart! Even though it means that you will loose control for a second. Even if all your friends becomes your mind and says: No!
You just need to do this! You need to be revolting!
Because you know that if you do this you will change something in your life, and hopefully for the better!

But then, you start thinking about it. You will loose the safety. You will stand alone in something and it probably will take a lot of time before your mind comes along.

I do believe that you should to what you want, when you want it because you want it! That is like important for your soul. And to make a statement for your mind that you are who you are.
And to be revolting doesn't have to be big. It can just be a small statement, to walk against what others consider to be normal! Never be normal!!! Be you!

I am revolting against my self and will change my life, maybe for the better. I don't know!

But here I come! Let's do this!

Stressed!

I am getting more and more stressed, and today was one of the days that I thought that I just didn't want to leave my bed.
But I got up, took a walk in the beautiful sunlight and the just tried to rinse my head from everything.

I am so stressed about everything right now. My job, my film projects, my life, my being. And it sucks! Big time!!!!!

I am proud that I turned down one production that called me and asked if I wanted to be an extra. I know I can earn some money, but I just felt that I don't have time. I need to focus on my own projects and job.

And I am stressed about some of my work. Stressed that I will loose two of my youths I am working with due to that they are moving away and that we don't have that much contact any more. Stressed over not knowing what the summer or fall will bring.

One thing that really stresses me is my own film project: The Rain.
I just have a dream of making a film and just make something that I can stand for and that is good. And I do get a lot of help from everyone.
I mean, Film på Gotland (our local resource center) provides us with camera equipment, Filmgymnasiet Gotland provides me with facilities to film in. All my actors and crew a working for free and making the best of every day! And I am so blessed to have them around me.
What stresses my out is that I don't have enough money to make the film with. Money so we can build props and sets. Money so that I can buy food for my actors.
And also time... There is to little time. We are filming from time to time when every one is available, and that is a big puzzle to work with. It is hard to make a scheduel not knowing when people can film or not.

I am stressed out and sometimes I am starting to doubt on my self and my abilities...

I just want to life my life and do the thing that makes me happy. That's all!

Recreation!

I guess you can say the recreation is something needed all the time. But HOW can one an other get recreation in to your life, without spending a lot of money to spa's and so?
The easiest way, I guess, is just to go for a walk. But not maybe just around the corner in you neighbourhood. No, I think the best way is to take the bus or the car or the train and go to a place where you feel that you can just relax and enjoy life!
Then walk for an hour or two with your favourite music in the earplugs, maybe bring a camera or use your telephone to take pictures on things you find on the way...

Or maybe you can draw something, or write! That is also a way of recreation. Yes indeed!
When I was younger I wrote a lot. Both poems, scipts, stories and so. Even lyrics for cd's I never made... Wonder why... Guess I just wasn't good at making music.
But to write was a way for me to disapear for a little while. To clear out my thoughts, and that is needed for me to work as a human being!

Now, being in a depression I just have such a hard time finding back to the ways that made me happy. That made me recreate my soul! And everyday is a struggle, a fight for life. Or at least it feels that way.
Just walking around in a kind of mist not knowing what todays date is, or what I have to do or not to do. All I know is that I think I am aware of what season it is. I guess it is fall, since the leaves turned yellow, red and orange before they got brown and fell down to the ground, leaving the trees naked and exposed, waiting for winter to come. Just like me.
Wow, now I got all poetic... Maybe I still have it in me...

As an artist I guess you need to have somekind of darkness inside you. Something that you can rely on. Something that is more powerful and therefor somekind of saftey.

I will end this session with writing one of my poetic lyrics I wrote 9 years ago. Then I was 22 years old. If someone has music for this, please let me know!

Confusion, my body are in pain

Don't know what way to go

Or where to stop and stay

Lies, my soul are in pain

So many lies that has been told

So many answers put on hold

 

Time is passing by like grains of sand

My hands are open wide waiting for you

 

Will I ever be free from the things that holds me back

Will I ever be free from my past

My mind is full of answers

My heart is full of doubts

Will I ever see my self as something else but bad