Age...

What is age? A number, the way you feel, a way for people to let them know if you are in their league or not?
I am 31. I feel like 70 in my body, looks like somewhere between 30-40 and in my mind I am pending between 12-14 and 31. And turning 30 wasn't a big deal for me if I just stop and think about it for a while... The only crises I had that day was that everyone was on to you and reminding you and teasing you for getting 30.... That broke me down. Not the fact that I was turning 30. For me it is just a number.

It is the way you feel inside and the way you are living that decide your mental age, and I consider the mental age to be much more closer to whom you are. And that is hard when you are pending between a lot of ages.

Physically I am feeling really old, but that is most due to the fact that I haven't taken care of my body. I am not a guy that workout, even though I am not smoking or drinking like hell. But you need your workout. So I am having constantly pain in my body since I am to weak.
And my eyes.... Oh, just a few years ago I just used my glasses when needed... Now I have to have them on me every day... All the time!!!! And if I am not wearing them, I have to raise the brightness on my MacBook just to be able to see what I am reading and writing.

But in my mind, I am sometimes just 12-14 again. Having fun. Enjoying life. Even though you won't see me climbing in a tree any more... (I am afraid of heights, that's my excuse) But working with kids you have to have an open mind. You have to remember what it was to be in that age, so you can let them be kids as well. Not demanding to much of them. Not asking them to be adults until it is time.

So what is age.... Age is like a fine wine, it's just getting better and better for every year storing it, or it could be like milk... Sour as hell. It is all up to us!

Long time for someting special!

August 11th I was with my filmcrew on location at Vikingabyn in Tofta to shoot a pilot sequence for my feature film "Karins Saga", a medieval drama about a mayors daugther who has to choose between her carieer or her heart.

We started our shooting at 6 p.m. and had around 20-30 extras, 6 actors and a small crew of 10 people, running around in the middle of the night and just had fun together.
Then we hoped it would be done by October with all the editing and so. And then we changed us until November. And now, finally, December 5th, we are done!!!!

We can finally present the pilot for everyone.

Incredible how long it would take us to finish this, and now I can only hope that people will enjoy what they are seeing, and will support us in the future.

I will write more about the project later but can already follow us a Karins Saga official page

Hope you will like what you are seeing!

Karins Saga - The pilot

Recreation!

I guess you can say the recreation is something needed all the time. But HOW can one an other get recreation in to your life, without spending a lot of money to spa's and so?
The easiest way, I guess, is just to go for a walk. But not maybe just around the corner in you neighbourhood. No, I think the best way is to take the bus or the car or the train and go to a place where you feel that you can just relax and enjoy life!
Then walk for an hour or two with your favourite music in the earplugs, maybe bring a camera or use your telephone to take pictures on things you find on the way...

Or maybe you can draw something, or write! That is also a way of recreation. Yes indeed!
When I was younger I wrote a lot. Both poems, scipts, stories and so. Even lyrics for cd's I never made... Wonder why... Guess I just wasn't good at making music.
But to write was a way for me to disapear for a little while. To clear out my thoughts, and that is needed for me to work as a human being!

Now, being in a depression I just have such a hard time finding back to the ways that made me happy. That made me recreate my soul! And everyday is a struggle, a fight for life. Or at least it feels that way.
Just walking around in a kind of mist not knowing what todays date is, or what I have to do or not to do. All I know is that I think I am aware of what season it is. I guess it is fall, since the leaves turned yellow, red and orange before they got brown and fell down to the ground, leaving the trees naked and exposed, waiting for winter to come. Just like me.
Wow, now I got all poetic... Maybe I still have it in me...

As an artist I guess you need to have somekind of darkness inside you. Something that you can rely on. Something that is more powerful and therefor somekind of saftey.

I will end this session with writing one of my poetic lyrics I wrote 9 years ago. Then I was 22 years old. If someone has music for this, please let me know!

Confusion, my body are in pain

Don't know what way to go

Or where to stop and stay

Lies, my soul are in pain

So many lies that has been told

So many answers put on hold

 

Time is passing by like grains of sand

My hands are open wide waiting for you

 

Will I ever be free from the things that holds me back

Will I ever be free from my past

My mind is full of answers

My heart is full of doubts

Will I ever see my self as something else but bad

 



Hard to understand?

Why do people have a hard time to understand that I am not interested in having a partner in my life...?
Some seem almost offended when I say that I want to live alone for the rest of my life.

I guess I have some explaining to do....

As an LGBT-person you think you just have to come out once... But that is not true. The most important step to take is to come out for you self. To be able to say: This is who I am and I stand up for it!
If you reach that step, congratulations, you have now come out your very first time! But then think about it. Every time you meet a new person, at work, in school, at friends etc., and you tell them that you are an LGBT-person, you come out again. And again, and again.... Every time you tell it to some one who doesn't know YOU are gay or so, you are coming out!

And I am getting tired of coming out each and every day... Really! I wish I were straight, 'cause then I don't need to come out every time. I can just stand and check out the girls and people wouldn't even care.

But life changes. Oh yes indeed! It changes, some times for the better and some times for the worse.
I change! I have gone from Bisexual to Gay to Queer! I have even been straight, I think... I don't remember.

Recently, well the past 5 years, I have noticed a change within me that has been hard to accept. Hard to realize that this is me! A new feeling that I haven't had before and a feeling that scared me. Scared me bad.

I didn't want to think and feel like that, but I did and I still do! There is a new feeling, maybe a sexuality or maybe just a mind-ghost that wants to disturb me a lot!
But I guess I have to come out for my self again, and then maybe for others. Okay, I have already come out for my self. And for three of my very best friends... But that is enough for now.

I don't want a partner in life because I am not safe with my self. I don't want a partner since I need to be alone and I am afraid I will hurt my partner so bad.... And those feelings and thoughts I don't want to live with.
I don't have time for a partner in my life. I work to much and work with things that needs space! So when I get home from work I just need my privacy, my private sphere.
That is just me.

Don't I love? I do love. Oh I am in love with a few that I love unconditionally. I just love them more than life it self. And all I want to do is to hold them, kiss them, be there for them, see them.
Do they love me back? No! Not like that. And they never will.

But I know what it feels like to fall in love, and to have those thoughts when you just think about him or her every waken second. To jump when you get a message from he/she. To smile stupidly just by getting a thought.... I know...

But I also know how it feels to see that there can never be a future with us together. To know that my feeling will never get a response.

So is it so hard to understand that I don't want a partner? That I am afraid of hurting he or she? That I still don't know who I am, well I do know who I am but that can't be combined with a partner.... Not now...