Hard to understand?

Why do people have a hard time to understand that I am not interested in having a partner in my life...?
Some seem almost offended when I say that I want to live alone for the rest of my life.

I guess I have some explaining to do....

As an LGBT-person you think you just have to come out once... But that is not true. The most important step to take is to come out for you self. To be able to say: This is who I am and I stand up for it!
If you reach that step, congratulations, you have now come out your very first time! But then think about it. Every time you meet a new person, at work, in school, at friends etc., and you tell them that you are an LGBT-person, you come out again. And again, and again.... Every time you tell it to some one who doesn't know YOU are gay or so, you are coming out!

And I am getting tired of coming out each and every day... Really! I wish I were straight, 'cause then I don't need to come out every time. I can just stand and check out the girls and people wouldn't even care.

But life changes. Oh yes indeed! It changes, some times for the better and some times for the worse.
I change! I have gone from Bisexual to Gay to Queer! I have even been straight, I think... I don't remember.

Recently, well the past 5 years, I have noticed a change within me that has been hard to accept. Hard to realize that this is me! A new feeling that I haven't had before and a feeling that scared me. Scared me bad.

I didn't want to think and feel like that, but I did and I still do! There is a new feeling, maybe a sexuality or maybe just a mind-ghost that wants to disturb me a lot!
But I guess I have to come out for my self again, and then maybe for others. Okay, I have already come out for my self. And for three of my very best friends... But that is enough for now.

I don't want a partner in life because I am not safe with my self. I don't want a partner since I need to be alone and I am afraid I will hurt my partner so bad.... And those feelings and thoughts I don't want to live with.
I don't have time for a partner in my life. I work to much and work with things that needs space! So when I get home from work I just need my privacy, my private sphere.
That is just me.

Don't I love? I do love. Oh I am in love with a few that I love unconditionally. I just love them more than life it self. And all I want to do is to hold them, kiss them, be there for them, see them.
Do they love me back? No! Not like that. And they never will.

But I know what it feels like to fall in love, and to have those thoughts when you just think about him or her every waken second. To jump when you get a message from he/she. To smile stupidly just by getting a thought.... I know...

But I also know how it feels to see that there can never be a future with us together. To know that my feeling will never get a response.

So is it so hard to understand that I don't want a partner? That I am afraid of hurting he or she? That I still don't know who I am, well I do know who I am but that can't be combined with a partner.... Not now...

We won!

I am just so incredible happy right now!

Last night we won a regional film contest with our film "Strandfynd". And we are so freaking happy about that!

Strandfynd was a film made during 19 hours in a contest where you get 7 criteria that you had to have in the film.

We were very nervous, specially I, during the evening and we knew we wouldn't be safe until the had revealed the winners, since there was a jury that decided, and not the audience.
And we got on first place!!!!!! :)

The motivation from the jury was: "With an evocative and stylish storytelling engages the film and presents the viewer with a dark interpretation of this year's theme. The different conditions for the competition passes unnoticed because they are so well integrated into the story. The message is ambiguous and lets the spectator to self reflect on concepts that abuse over generations and human destinies."

Now we will go to Stockholm to participate in the big final, that takes place the 29th of September! We just hope that we will win there, and promise to represent Gotland!

But just the fact that the first time ever we are participating in a film contest we are winning, that was so important for me. Now I know I am good at what I am doing and will continue to work with film. I needed this confirmation so badly.

And here is our winning film. Please share it to every one you know!

I guess...

Well, sometimes you just need a moment of your own. Even though you love have stuff going on around you and you "need" like a thousand thing to do.
Sometimes it is just better to stop for a while and just step outside the box, look inside and see what you have and what you can waste.

I just feel lonely and sad and depressed, and I can't find my way to get over stuff.
I am afraid, lost, sad, happy, driven, scared... I am a lot, but not complete. Can that be it? That I am not complete? And then, what makes me complete?

Is it to be loved by those I love more than life it self? Is it to win the lottery and be rich forever? Is it to find a house on the country side and settle down?

I don't know! All I know is that I have so much stuff inside that I even can't get out of me.... People would hate me. They would look down on me. Think I am a jerk or worse...

All I ever have been aiming for is to be my self, no matter what, and to be a role model. All I have ever wanted is to make sure people are happy... Have I forgotten my self?

Have I forgotten my self in this world where everything has to be so perfect? Well, f*ck perfect! I am who I am, and I will never change!

Vulnerable.

Okay, so last night we had a huge power failure here on Gotland. The whole island went black.
Nothing to make a big fuzz about if it just wasn't for the fact the something went wrong with our two "lifelines" that is between us and the main land.

That's the fact! Gotland are hooked up with two cables to the main land, providing us with electricity and if something goes wrong we are in a blackout. Just as last night.

All of a sudden the phone lines went dead, some of the cellphone operators went down, internet (of course) and this total pitch blackness.
And I realize who vulnerable we are. There was no way to get any information of what happened, since we couldn't go online and get the information. And I had no access to a battery driven radio where some information came out.

I had to call friends on the main land to ask them if they could find any information.

And then I just started to think, what if the power company couldn't fix the problem. They have a back up power station here on Gotland, but that wont last forever. What if we actually were cut of from the main land and had to take care of our selves.

I guess it wouldn't be a problem, since we all are taking care of each other. But the first period it would be hard, just to collaborate all the main functions and so...

I guess it will never happen, but still! The thought just struck me. We are so vulnerable, hooked up by two power cords, to the main land!
They have always had us in their grip...

Wow....!

Wow... That is like almost all I can say right now.... Wow!

Was participating in a film contest called Noo Maraton, this weekend. It is a contest in Sweden where you get 24 hours to make a film out from some certain criteria, and with no budget at all.

The theme for this year was: Temptations
And the criteria were three places ( A ditch, in centrum and on a bed) and three objects (Message in a bottle, an old cloth and a spatula).
Saturday morning at 9 a.m. we got those criteria on the phone and then it was just of to work. 24 hours of complete chaos.
The most important thing in this contest is to make a story that works. It is more of a storytelling contest than a film contest, even though the jury will look at the technical work as well.

We worked with the story for about 7 hours and then we started to shoot the film. And worked with the shooting for about 7 hours and then we edited the film during 6 hours.
At 4.45 a.m. Sunday morning we were done and the film were uploaded at youtube. And Friday the 14th of September there is this regional contest and if we win we will go to Stockholm and participate in the national competition.

Our story became breath taking and strong in many ways. We realized that we had a very dark mind and that we needed to do something like this, just to proof for ourselves that we don't need to go safe in our story.

And when we got the music from Jorge Mendez, a young talented composer from Mexico, everything just came to place and we almost had tears in our eyes while looking at what we had done.

A big thanks to our actors and a slightly bigger thank to our child actors, Ludvig Rödland and Samuel Kåring, who did such an excellent work with such short notice.

I guess there is just one more thing to do and that is to show you the film now! Please share it with every one, and it even has english subtitles.

Love to you all and keep your fingers crossed the 14th.